The Chronicles of Chesticles

Sep
29th

Mon

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds Wed! I’d like to say the event marks the union of two great talents, but, well, I’ve seen Scarlett Johansson’s movies. And as far as I can tell, her only “talent” lies in the genes that gave her ginormous boobies.

Sep
12th

Fri

I found him! Can you?

(Available at chroniclebooks.com)

Sep
3rd

Wed

For those who love to cross-stitch, and those who want to brighten their day. Kits include “Fuck Cancer,” “Be My Bitch” and “Shut Your Whore Mouth.” Mom will love them!

Aug
26th

Tue

Cows seem to know which way is north The lesson: If you’re going somewhere unfamiliar, like hiking in a remote region, or even just to your future in-laws’ for dinner, take a cow in case you get lost.

Neanderthals were not 'stupid,' says new research Great. Get ready for a whole new round of Geico “caveman” commercials. Curse you, science!

Jenna Jameson Confirms She's Pregnant At least with all the time she spent in porn, she won’t have any trouble pushing that kid out. She’s gotta be super-stretchable. Ewwwww.

Charlie Sheen says wife Brooke is pregnant Don’t worry. I’m sure he and ex Denise Richards will find a way to fight over this one, too.

Paula Abdul "Concerned" About Fourth Idol Judge Of course, knowing Paula, I’m sure she expressed that concern with a series of hoots and claps, followed by some drunken ramblings and hip gyrations, before collapsing into her seat in tears.

Aug
25th

Mon

FBI: Couple offered sex with girl, 5, for used car These people should just be executed. Put the rest of us out of the misery we feel just knowing such sickos exist.

Aug
21st

Thu

Jessica Simpson: Tony Isn't Calling Carrie! She actually checked his call log! Hello, crazy. File Jessica Simpson under “Jealous” or “Desperate to Hang Onto Her Man.” Or my favorite, “Psycho!!!”

Aug
16th

Sat

The couple who lived in a mall Oh my god. This is, like, my dream.

Aug
13th

Wed

Ah, modern romance. Doesn’t it just make you swoon?

(Card available at BlueBarnhouseStore.org)

Birth Control Pills Can Make Women Pick Bad Mates But at least they won’t reproduce with them.

Aug
11th

Mon

Spitz, once the swimming star, upset over Beijing snub Oh, cry me a freakin’ river! You were a star in 1972! Most of today’s Olympians weren’t even born then, and you’re bitching cause no one invited you to Beijing? Boo-effin-hoo! Buy your own ticket and get over yourself! I’m surprised this guy won any medals, that his ego didn’t displace all the water in the pool.

Aug
8th

Fri

Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, I’ll go out and adopt twins if they’ll pay me $14 million to do it.

— George “Hater” Lucas