The Chronicles of Chesticles

Alleged would-be plane bomber came from rich family

The poor dad. He tried to turn his kid in, but no one would take him. Now he’s thinking he should have called it good after his 15th child was born.

On another note, who knew there are real Nigerian bankers? That last e-mail I got said there was no banking system and I was desperately needed to help really rich people cash checks …

That's the 'American' way

Paul Sr. of “Orange County Choppers” had a different kind of present for son Paul Jr. to unwrap this Christmas … court papers!

Mary J. Blige brings the drama

Ah, the holidays. Presents, parties … and punching other people in the face. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fight!

Charlie Sheen out of jail ... for now

Charlie Sheen’s out on bond after being arrested for alleged domestic violence against wife Brooke Mueller. This is Sheen’s 2,386th run-in with the law. Stay tuned for Denise Richards … you know she can’t miss an opportunity for publicity. 

Balloon boy's parents get jail time

Not nearly enough, but some. And they can’t profit off their dumbass stunt for four years. For some reason, they’re being allowed to keep their children, so look for the Heenes to resurrect their reality TV dreams in 2015. I can already see the pitch for little Falcon: “I Was Balloon Boy.”

Hailey Glassman's resolution: Gosselin-free 2010

Let’s hope the mainstream media makes the same New Year’s promise. And while we’re at it, let’s have a Glassman-free 2010 as well.

Cop to nude cyclists: Wear helmets

The New Zealand police officer says the two men she caught riding their bicycles naked were wanting to experience “total freedom.” Exercising with a bicycle seat stuck in your ass crack doesn’t sound much like freedom to me, but to each his own, I suppose.

A new name for Angel Falls?

Hugo Chavez is an idiot. That’s really all I can say here.

'Survivor' winner chosen

I guess we won’t be seeing that “How to Win ‘Survivor’” book Russell said he was going to write. Hopefully, the end of the season marks the last time we’ll ever have to see this again.

Drunken Santa demands to know where reindeer are

Well, they’re sure not in Wisconsin. I’d guess they’re probably up at the North Pole right about now. With a very pissed-off Mrs. Claus.

Shania more attractive than Angelina

First, the golden rule. Now, the “golden ratio.” Shania Twain has it, meaning her face is more beautiful, according to researchers, than the faces of women like Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Hurley, who don’t have it. Toe-MAY-toe, toe-MAH-toe … why not spend money on something more important, like trying to cure cancer or figure out why teenagers are so stupid?

Auschwitz sign stolen

What a sad world we live in when people steal from the dead. And from history.

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